Thats SO GHAY

  I love my friends (hence they are my friends ) however I am getting a little tired of the use of the word gay in every conversation to denote something that is stupid or weird.
  I don't think that the people that use it mean to be insensitive but they aren't paying much attention to the people around them and if the word is so easy to say that it "just slips out" I think I take more offense to that. What are they saying when I'm not in the room homo or fag?
The worst part is that for the most part I don't want to say anything because it starts a whole "political" conversation that I don't want to have with these people.
So either I don't say anything then I have to listen to my sector of society being unilaterally insulted or I become this P.C watchdog  that people have to watch their mouths around. I don't want that but i don't know how to make it clear that its not O.K for that terminology to be ingrained in the English language as a negative.
Oh and by the way changing the spelling to GHAY does not make it better it just shows me you know its wrong.

Burner Slut

I have rapidly come to the conclusion that either God in his infinite wisdom has decide that I need to date a man that I have expressly forbidden myself to date or..... I am just a burner slut and should hang out in the back alleys of restaurants randomly picking up any stray Cook, Chef or Sioux’s that comes out the door.
 I don’t want to date a smoker from Saskatchewan that has 2 cats and is ten years my junior.
I want a stable man with a good job and no pet's preferably from a province that doesn’t feel the need to keep the entrance to all their gay bars in dark back alley’s just to "see" what happens.
 I want a man that looks at my life and says "hey there is a stable guy with good long term prospect's" not a guy who thinks that just cause he has smoldering green eyes, thick brown hair, strong hands (no doubt from all the cutting and prepping of food), a fruit basket with more than average size banana and an ass that won't quit.......................................

Where was I? Oh yeah. I don’t need to date a guy that spends his time cutting up calamari and then comes home smelling of fish. In his tight checked pants and splotchy whites with hat head from one of those baseball caps that the restaurants are favoring nowadays. With a light undertone of burnt gas and charbroil. Face glowing from a night in a hot kitchen running from the weeds and making it all work out. Calling “86 the fish we only have 3 plates left".
 I don’t need it. I lived it once already. Will I ever learn?
A smoker! How in the 9 rings of hell can I date a smoker? A cat lovin, Saskatoon smoker of all things.
 I think Bogie said “of all the on-line dating sites in all the world why did he have to walk into mine?"

I think this is a test. I might have to go out with him a few more time before I know for sure though, but it’s probably a test.

Old friends and other injuries

The age of social networking has finally caught up to me. I received a friend request in FB from a guy that used to be my best friend. We went to High School together and I thought he was the best thing to ever happen to me. The truth is he was my first straight boy crush and I loved him.

I have changed a lot since those days and have not seen or heard from him since the day he decided to elope and marry a stripper that he met at the bar one night. I don’t think he ever knew how much I loved him and how much this self-imposed betrayal made me hate myself just that much more for being gay.

Now being the curious man that I am I went through his friend list and realized that he is FB friends with a lot of our old school friends most of whom have caused me no little amount of pain and anguish.

For example: The one I’ll call “M”

I thought we were best friends , little did I know that she used all the information that I told her to backstab me in all the little ways that makes it difficult to stay friends in a large group of people, however  over the years I just got used to it and was careful how I dealt with her. We maintained a friendship of sorts out of High School and then later when she was having trouble with her man, I let her move in with me.

 The end of that story is a common one. It ended with her owing me about $2000.00 and a lot of resentment.

She is his friend on FB.

In my Elementary School days I had these boys who, for no other reason but because he could, use to beat me up about twice a day every day for about 6 months. The frustration of this caused me to seek ways in which to defend myself, that to this day I am thankful for but still carry the scars of these beatings. I didn’t even know that they knew each other.

He is his friend on FB

There are more people on his list but these two scare me the most. I know that I am not the same person as I was back then but somewhere inside me there is a voice that is screaming “DANGER WILL ROBINSON” and I have been sorry every time I have ignored that voice.

Still I miss him.

I would love just to grab a coffee and see how his life turned out. I wonder if he is still married to the stripper or if that ended badly. I wonder if he has kids or grandkids even.

I wonder if he ever knew how much I adored him. I wonder why after all this time I am forced to look at this part of my life again, relive some of the worst moments of my past. Is this part of the process of being O.K with the person that I am?

I don’t think I can open that door again but if I were truly over the events of that part of my past would it really matter what others said or did?

Or maybe this is the poison vial that needs to stay closed and I have to move on never knowing the little things.

The lesson here might just be to let the doors that we close in our lives stay closed.

I think I will have to ignore him for now.