The age of social networking has finally caught up to me. I received a friend request in FB from a guy that used to be my best friend. We went to High School together and I thought he was the best thing to ever happen to me. The truth is he was my first straight boy crush and I loved him.
I have changed a lot since those days and have not seen or heard from him since the day he decided to elope and marry a stripper that he met at the bar one night. I don’t think he ever knew how much I loved him and how much this self-imposed betrayal made me hate myself just that much more for being gay.
Now being the curious man that I am I went through his friend list and realized that he is FB friends with a lot of our old school friends most of whom have caused me no little amount of pain and anguish.
For example: The one I’ll call “M”
I thought we were best friends , little did I know that she used all the information that I told her to backstab me in all the little ways that makes it difficult to stay friends in a large group of people, however over the years I just got used to it and was careful how I dealt with her. We maintained a friendship of sorts out of High School and then later when she was having trouble with her man, I let her move in with me.
The end of that story is a common one. It ended with her owing me about $2000.00 and a lot of resentment.
She is his friend on FB.
In my Elementary School days I had these boys who, for no other reason but because he could, use to beat me up about twice a day every day for about 6 months. The frustration of this caused me to seek ways in which to defend myself, that to this day I am thankful for but still carry the scars of these beatings. I didn’t even know that they knew each other.
He is his friend on FB
There are more people on his list but these two scare me the most. I know that I am not the same person as I was back then but somewhere inside me there is a voice that is screaming “DANGER WILL ROBINSON” and I have been sorry every time I have ignored that voice.
Still I miss him.
I would love just to grab a coffee and see how his life turned out. I wonder if he is still married to the stripper or if that ended badly. I wonder if he has kids or grandkids even.
I wonder if he ever knew how much I adored him. I wonder why after all this time I am forced to look at this part of my life again, relive some of the worst moments of my past. Is this part of the process of being O.K with the person that I am?
I don’t think I can open that door again but if I were truly over the events of that part of my past would it really matter what others said or did?
Or maybe this is the poison vial that needs to stay closed and I have to move on never knowing the little things.
The lesson here might just be to let the doors that we close in our lives stay closed.
I think I will have to ignore him for now.
While I am no expert in sociology, it has been my personal experience that few people really change who they are over the years. I was astonished to attend my high school reunion several years ago and discover that these people are still playing out the same roles we had in high school. Except most of us were fatter and balder.
ReplyDeleteCuriousity is very tempting, of course, but the Douchebag who betrayed you years ago probably hasn't changed much. She's probably still a twat. And it sounds like your friend has some pretty low standards for friends.
You've made the right choice, I'm certain of it.